Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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