I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
