I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
