Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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