Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
