my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
