I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jerry, you need to find god
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
