If i come over, it means nothing
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
