My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
