I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
