Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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