So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My penis needs a shock collar
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
