On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
