I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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