Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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