drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
