I wish I could teleport
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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