oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
