i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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