Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
