made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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