You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
