why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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