What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
