well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
