the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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