So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
