I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
