I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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