can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The adults are the big ones right?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
