Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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