i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
