From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
