I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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