She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
