One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
