your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
