i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
