I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
