the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
