If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
