Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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