take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
