Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
