Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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