I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
