Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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