This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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