Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
