now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Actions speak louder than pants.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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