Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
